Trust.

trust

noun \ˈtrəst\

: belief that someone or something is reliable, good, honest, effective, etc.

The phone call I received at 4:16 yesterday morning was the one I've been dreading for months.

"Courtney. Your daddy is gone." I questioned it - what? "He passed away early this morning," my mom said calmly.

Surreal. That's what yesterday was (and today seems it will be too). Tears. Laughs. Pictures. Numb. I can't handle this. God has given me more than I can handle, and for the first time in my life, I recognize it. I know I can't do this by myself. I know I have to choose to trust or walk away. This is a life altering, worst best day ever kind of moment.

I walked in my parents house a little before 5. I glanced at the clock but didn't really register anything. I grabbed my sister and held her. My grandparents, Tye, Carlie and I left for the hospice house where we met mom. Mrs. Maureen was already there (bless her). Mom told us dad passed between 2 (when the nurse came in with dad's medicine) and 3 am (when mom woke and didn't hear him breathing).


When we all returned home, we sat down in the den and glanced at the clock again. We noticed the time had stopped (a somewhat regular occurrence). My mom asked what time the clock stopped at... 2:07. In that moment, I realized...my God is bigger than this. My God does not make mistakes. He does not leave us (although it is very hard to feel that way right now). My God sees the big picture.

My dad was a good man. And I loved him with every fiber of my being. He was a man of great respect, integrity, wisdom and loyalty. He could make me smile just by being in the room. He loved his girls more than anything in this world, and he did not want to leave us behind. But he knew there was a purpose. He told us to keep our eyes on Jesus, and I have never doubted my dad's instruction. He speaks truth, and so does my Father. What a glorious day for my dad. Hallelujah.


I have never felt a sorrow like this before. My body physically hurts. My heart aches. I am so fragile. I cry when I look outside at plants he placed in our yard. I lose it when I look at my sister (she looks like him).

Please know that if you have texted me or sent me a message on Facebook, I appreciate your thoughts and words of encouragement, but I simply can't process all of them right now. With this, please know that you don't have to write on my Facebook wall for me to feel loved and prayed for (if I'm being just super honest (why not)..I'd almost rather you not right now). It's just a lot to manage in my already broken brain/heart. We feel your prayers. There is NO WAY I would have made it through the last week without them. No chance. Please continue to pray for strength each day. We desperately need it.

Today, we are not okay. We are angry. We are hurting. We don't understand. For lack of a better explanation..this just really sucks. I want to cry and throw a fit. But for what?

Someday, we will heal and the wounds won't be so fresh. But today, today is not that day. We believe that our Father has a reason and a plan, and we trust Him. He is a good God. He was a good God when we started this journey 11 months ago, and he is a good God today. My dad saw Jesus face-to-face yesterday, free of pain and sorrow. I can't help but think he found a lake to catch a few fish too. That Billy Kerr, what an incredible man.

Psalm 84